


Pills

by screwedupheads



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Child Abuse, Gen, Heavy Angst, Human Experimentation, M/M, Manipulation, Mind Manipulation, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Relationships, implied eating disorder, terrible parenting, that's an understatement
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-02-05 18:53:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12800232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/screwedupheads/pseuds/screwedupheads
Summary: If everyone keeps telling Jeremy to take his pills, it has to be what's best for him, right?According to his mother, it definitely is.(if you are looking for a happy Jeremy/The SQUIP fic, this is not the one for you)





	1. More Than Survive

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a rework of a really old fic I wrote about 5 Seconds of Summer (i know right). I've decided to change up a bunch of stuff to give it a new plot and a be more chill twist, so now it has nothing to do with 5sos.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS:Suicidal thoughts, mentions of child abuse, terrible parenting

Tonight, Jeremy had promised himself, I'm going to do it tonight.

Jeremy was tired. Tired of school, tired of people, tired of himself and tired of being tired. For him, it was time to act. He had been planning this for a few days now, and he had already managed to push everyone who would try to stop him away. Now it was just him and his thoughts, the voices in his head. The way it should be, the way it always has been.

Jeremy tapped his pencil on his desk as the teacher finished up the lesson. There were only a few months of school left, but it's not like Jeremy would live long enough to graduate. He hadn't bothered with applying to any universities, it's almost like he had known it was ending soon. The voices seemed to get louder and louder every minute, each of them begging him to go home.  
The bell rang as students hustled out of the classroom, so they could attend to their Friday night plans as quick as possible. Jeremy didn’t bother with hurrying, either way he’d end up in the same place. The classroom was already empty by the time he had gathered his things and walked to the door.

"Have a good weekend, Jeremy!" his teacher said cheerfully. She was one of those teachers who encouraged the quiet kids to talk as much as possible, and Jeremy was the quietest kid in her class. Jeremy just shrugged her off and exited the room. He didn’t catch the concerned look she gave him as he walked on.  
Once he left the school, he boarded the bus and sat in the seat in the back. Other students boarded the bus too, laughing and joking around. His old friend who used to sit next to him, Michael, glared at Jeremy and sat in the seat right in front of him, pulling his headphones over his ears.  
A few days ago, they were friends, then Jeremy managed to get himself in a stupid and pointless argument, listening to the voice instead of doing what he really wanted.  
"Talk to me again when you decide to act like a decent person," Michael had said when Jeremy went too far. ‘You’re too fucked up for that’ his brain whispered. 

 

\---

 

"Jeremy, how was your day at school?" his mother asked when Jeremy removed himself from his room at dinner. Jeremy shrugged and continued to eat his food. His mother sighed impatiently and put down her fork, using her hand instead to reach for Jeremy’s.

"Jere, talk to me," she insisted, wrapping her hand around his resting one. He didn't. She frowned at him. 

"Did you take your meds today?" she asked. She asked that anytime he acted the slightest bit less than friendly to her, and it was frustrating. 

"Yes," No. ‘You’re better than this. If you’re going to lie to her you could at least have a conversation with her’ he heard. Jeremy didn’t mind taking the pills, but he tended not to take them just to spite his mother, whose “only wanting the best for her” routine involved drugging him up and locking him away.

"I can tell you’re lying, double your dosage when you take them tonight. Now, tell me how your day was," she said, her teeth gritted with rage behind her eyes that only Jeremy would be able to recognize.

“It was great, mom, absolutely fantastic" he said sarcastically, dropping his fork and smiling bitterly up at his mom. He didn’t care enough to be scared. If anything he wanted her angry at him. Maybe if he pushed her enough she’d hit him again like he really deserved last time he lied about taking the pills for a week straight.  
She ignored his behavior.

"So, do you have any homework?"

"I have a project due Monday," he answered, no emotions in his voice.

"You better work on it," his mother said firmly, trying to make small talk with her son, but failing miserably. She looked back down at her food and began eating again. You can't do schoolwork when you're dead, Jeremy thought. He let out a loud, exaggerated sign before getting up to put his dish in the sink.  
He was halfway to his room when he heard his mom call out, "I love you."  
He paused and felt tears form in his eyes. I love you too, he thought. He didn’t know why he gets so angry with people sometimes, he asked to be like this. Maybe if he was happier and more kind, Michael would talk him, the voice would shut up, he wouldn’t be afraid of his mom, he wouldn’t be planning to chuck himself off a bridge tonight.  
He walked to his bathroom and did as his mother wanted and took the pills. He then walked into his room and collapsed on his bed. He put in some earbuds and turned his music up full volume, tuning out the world.

 

\---

 

Jeremy’s eyes blinked open, music still playing into his ears. He groaned and grabbed his phone, checking the time. 9pm. He had just spent some of his last living moments asleep.  
He tiptoed out into the hall to see if his mother was still awake, and sure enough, she was. He could hear the flipping of her magazine pages and the occasional sniffle.  
He went back into his room, quietly. He heard footsteps approaching his room, but he knew it was just his mom checking to see if he was asleep. He quickly flopped back down on his bed and squeezed his eyes shut before relaxing. The doorknob twisted open right when he was settled. He heard his mother sigh in relief as she glanced into the room. She closed the door and Jeremy heard the lock from the outside click. His mother locked him in his room every night; when he was younger, she claimed that it was because he sleepwalked, but at this point that was obviously not the case. Either way, he had no say in the matter. 

He soon heard the signs of her going to bed. As soon as the house was silent, he jumped up and went to his window, hoping for it to be open. Most nights his mom forgets to lock his window too. He was lucky that tonight was included in those nights. He slid out his window, and began walking.


	2. The Squip Enters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone makes an appearance right when Jeremy needs it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt

Jeremy’s mind was blank as he walked to the place where he would take his final breath. He had his jacket zipped with the hood thrown over his head with his hands shoved into his pockets and his arms hugging tightly into his sides. He forgot that it could get a bit chilly at night. His converse clad feet dragged behind slightly, making him stumble a few times, but he never ended up fully falling.   
The walk to the all-too-familiar bridge seemed a lot longer than it normally did. A few giggling teenagers passed him when he got closer to his destination, surely either walking to or from a party. Despite the fact that they were social outcasts, he used to go to parties sometimes with Michael, but that won't be happening again. Whenever Jeremy went to parties, he would normally end up drunk, and he wasn't always a happy drunk. There were a few occasions where he got playful and giggly, but then there were the occasions where he'd start crying and wouldn't stop, and poor Michael had to stay sober during these parties just so he could comfort and drive Jeremy home in these instances.

Jeremy sighed at the thought of Michael, attempting to clear his mind again. The bridge was in his sight, and if he had the energy, he’d already be over the edge. He was stuck with his slow trudge as he got closer. Soon enough, he got a peek over the edge and saw the dangerous water scattered with large rocks glistening far below. He knew that if he didn't die on impact, he would certainly drown in the churning water below him. He lifted himself to the top of the walls that were "there for safety". He chuckled to himself. If the walls were there for his safety, he wouldn't be able to climb on them.

He staggered a bit before regaining his balance. He felt the breeze wrap around his body as if it was trying to save him from falling. Every sound seemed much louder than it actually was. He could hear the water sloshing below him, he could hear his heart beating like a drum, and his breaths quickening.

It's going to be okay after this, no more pain, he thought to himself.   
No more pain, he thought again. Every other voice in his brain seemed to be screaming at him to stop. He ignored them.  
He was ready. The breeze blew past him once again before leaving him alone. He slowly willed himself to lift one foot and dip it over the edge, but before his foot left the ground, he heard a voice.

"Stop,"

Jeremy felt his heart quicken again at the sudden voice. The voice sounded slightly familiar, it must've belonged to someone from his school.

"No," Jeremy said firmly. He had come too far, prepared too much, for this to stop now.

"I'm not going to let you jump," the voice responded with the same amount of firmness.

"Just, please leave me alone," Jeremy said, lowering his voice. His hands were beginning to shake, and heart beat faster if that was even possible. He didn't like people seeing him like this, much less strangers.

"Why are you doing this?" it asked.

"I-" Jeremy started, but his own choked back sob cut him off. Why was he doing this? The voices seemed to echo that thought

"I don't know," Jeremy cried, allowing the stranger to pull him off the wall and into his arms.   
They both sunk to the ground, and the stranger let Jeremy cry into his shirt. Jeremy glanced up with teary eyes to see a pale boy with black hair and piercing blue eyes holding onto him tightly. Jeremy hid his face in his shirt again as another sob wracked his body. The black haired boy gently rocked their bodies back and forth to try and relax the shaking boy

"Hey, you're going to be okay now," he said gently to Jeremy as his crying turned into quiet sniffles. After a few more moments of just them, Jeremy stopped shaking.

"My name's Sebastian," the stranger said.

"I'm Jeremy," Jeremy said softly, "Thank you."

"I'll be there whenever you need me," Sebastian said. A breeze wrapped around the two as Jeremy sat in Sebastian's arms. It ruffled Sebastian's messy looking hair and made Jeremy shiver.

"You should get home, it's getting late," Sebastian said. Jeremy nodded and sighed. He stood up and almost fell to the ground again, but Sebastian's hands found his way to Jeremy's waist and steadied him for the second time that night.

"Bye Sebastian," Jeremy said, before beginning the walk back to his house.

"See you later, Jeremy," he replied. 

Jeremy was stumbling back home in the darkness when he ran into someone.

"Watch it- Jeremy?" the figure said, Jeremy quickly recognized it as Michael. Jeremy tried to walk around him, but Michael pulled Jeremy back in front of him.

"What are you doing out here so late?" he questioned. Even though he was mad at the brown-haired boy, Michael was still concerned. He knew how Jeremy was from old edxperiences, and Michael didn't know what to think of him being within walking distance of a tall bridge in the middle of the night.

"I could ask you the same thing," Jeremy said, crossing his arms with a frown on his face.

"I was out with a friend, what about you?" Michael said. 

"Midnight walk," Jeremy grumbled before trying to walk around Michael again.

"Wait," he said, pulling Jeremy back again, "Why did you say those things to me the other day?"

"What things?" Jeremy said, mocking confusion.  
“The thing.. about me being a loser and all that stuff,” Michael said, squinting at Jeremy. Shame and guilt pooled in Jeremy’s stomach.

"I... I don't know. I'm sorry," Jeremy said after his moment of thought. Michael looked at him suspiciously. All the emotions of the night built up in Jeremy’s mind, and he suddenly felt tears in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry," Jeremy said, beginning to shake and cry for the second time that night. Michael watched him for a moment, confused. He then pulled the smaller boy into his arms, accepting his apology.

And Jeremy was told that everything would be okay for the second time that night.  
He sighed in relief. He had missed Michael.


	3. Do You Wanna Hang?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy and Sebastian talk more and grow closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Implied bullying and self harm

Jeremy stared at his ceiling as the light streamed into his room for the window he had climbed out of the night before. His eyes traveled down to the dust particles floating around in his room that could be seen in the sunlight. It was one of those days where the sky was cloudy but somehow it was still bright out, and everyone was just waiting for rain to start pouring.  
His head began to ache as his thoughts were bombarded with memories of the previous night. One question seemed to weave its way into Jeremy's mind every time his mind drifted somewhere else. How would that night have ended if Sebastian wasn't there? Would Michael have been the one to find him breaking down on the edge of a bridge?  
Jeremy squeezed his eyes shut before putting on a loose shirt and shuffling to the door. His headache intensified as he stood. He tried the door handle, and it was surprisingly unlocked. He barely picked his feet up as he made his way to the kitchen table, where his mother was sitting eating breakfast and reading the newspaper.

"What time is it?" Jeremy asked, his voice raspy from not using it.

"About 10:30, you slept in," his mom answered, folding the newspaper and looking and him. Jeremy could see the harshness she kept hidden behind her eyes emerge the slightest bit.

"My head hurts," Jeremy mumbled, then started to walk away. His mom got up from her seat and stopped him, then started to walk towards her bathroom.

"Eat some breakfast," she called out to him. Jeremy was in the middle of serving himself cereal when his mother came back with a few pills in the palm of her hand.

"Here's something for your headache, and here's your meds," she said, putting them on the kitchen table before clearing her place and exiting the room. Jeremy swallowed the pills with water, quickly ate breakfast, and headed to the bathroom to shower.

He took off his shirt and looked at himself in the mirror. His figure was tiny. He was already a skinny guy, but he also didn't have much muscle. The dark circles under his eyes were always prominent, no matter how much sleep he got. He had a few old bruises from kids at school being a bit too harsh to him, and from him being too harsh on himself as well. He had multiple scars scattered across his body from some of the worse days as well. He tore his eyes away from the mirror and focused on taking the rest of his clothes off and getting in the shower. He investigated some of his bruises and scars once more and sighed loudly.

A part of him now wanted to get better, to fix the things wrong with him, he just didn’t know how.

 

\---

 

Every Saturday, Jeremy was dropped off at his father’s house. It was only for legal reasons after the divorce, but he knew his dad didn’t want to see him. His mother had told him everything he had said about Jeremy, and his own memories combined made a pretty solid case on why his dad didn’t want to see him, and why Jeremy didn’t want to see his dad. So every Saturday, he was dropped off, but he never actually went inside his house.  
"See you in a few hours," Jeremy’s mother said, watching him get out of the car in front of the building containing his dad’s apartment. She then sped away, not bothering to make sure he actually went inside. She never did, but she probably wouldn’t care if he went in either way.  
He waited to make sure no one was watching that could rat him out, then made his way to a nearby park.   
He sat on a bench and watched the adults jog, couples eat picnics, and kids play. He didn't even notice the presence next to him until it spoke.

"Hey Jeremy," a familiar voice said. Jeremy turned to see the black-haired boy he had met Friday night on the bridge. Jeremy smiled at him as Sebastian took a seat next to him. He was even better looking in daylight. His eyes had this light to them that Jeremy hadn't seen in the dark of that night, and they immediately drew him in.

"Hi Sebastian," Jeremy said shyly, still staring into Sebastian's eyes. Jeremy's eyes were boring and basically gray , his eyes always had this darkness to them, mostly because of the look of sadness they held.

"How are things?" Sebastian asked. Jeremy shrugged.

"Could be worse," Jeremy answered with a sigh. An awkward silence fell between the two.

"Listen," Sebastian began, "I know that we just met, but I already care about you. A lot. Please don’t try anything like last night again.”

“How-,” Jeremy paused and cleared his thoughts a little. “How can you already care about me like that?” Jeremy was truly confused.   
"You’re just- I don’t know. I’m just drawn to you I guess, and I’d love to get to know you better,” Sebastian said hesitantly. Jeremy blushed.  
“How about we meet up here tonight so we can do that,” Jeremy said. Sebastian smiled, the expression lighting up his face, then he asked for his number.  
Jeremy gave him his number and informed Sebastian that his mom took his phone almost every night. Once Sebastian was gone, Jeremy realized that his mom would be picking him up soon. He left the park with thoughts of Sebastian filling his head. 

 

\---

 

Jeremy was on the bench where he was earlier that day, but this time the sky was dark and full of stars. It had been the second time he had ever snuck out of the house, and it seemed like he was already getting used to it. He liked the idea of disobeying his mother's rules for once.

"Jeremy! I didn't think you'd show," Sebastian, while approaching the bench and Jeremy.

"Why wouldn't I come? It's not like I have anything else to do," Jeremy said.

Sebastian sat on the other side of the bench, creating space between him and Jeremy. Jeremy turned to face Sebastian, putting his feet on the bench and wrapping his arms around his knees with his back leaning against the armrest. Sebastian mirrored his actions, so their feet met in the middle. Jeremy's black and white converse looked gross and messy when his toes were against Sebastian's clean black combat boots. In fact, all of Jeremy looked messy when compared to Sebastian.   
The black haired boy wore all black for whatever reason. He wore a black shirt with a probably fake leather jacket along with a pair of black jeans and the before mentioned combat boots. Jeremy, however, wore a loose fitting sweater that was practically falling off one shoulder along with ripped up jeans.

"So," Jeremy started, awkwardly.

"Okay, where do you want to start?" Sebastian asked.

"What kind of music do you listen to," Jeremy said.

Sebastian quickly cleared his throat, then began talking.

The topic prompted a much bigger conversation about music. Jeremy inputted very little to the conversation, but was fascinated by the way Sebastian talked. He could listen to him all day.  
And under the moonlight, in the middle of the park at who knows when, Jeremy started falling for Sebastian.


	4. A Guy That I'd Kinda Be Into

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy is infatuated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: slight mention of a suicide attempt, manipulative (if that's what you can call it, please correct me if I'm wrong) behavior from Sebastian

It was on the bus ride to school when Jeremy remembered all the homework he didn't do over the weekend. He was too caught up with the night at the bridge and Sebastian. However, Jeremy didn't care about his schoolwork at the moment. All that was on his mind was Sebastian. The black-haired boy managed to traverse his way across Jeremy’s every thought. He loved how Sebastian's blue eyes glimmered as he spoke about his interests with Jeremy. He loved the way a smile would slowly spready across Sebastian's face whenever Jeremy would agree with something, or talk in general. Jeremy found himself smiling at his thoughts as he gazed out the window.

Near him, a confused Michael glanced at Jeremy's expression. Jeremy never seemed happy on mornings before today. Normally, mornings were full of empty stares out the window and frowns painted across his face. Michael almost sat next to him, but he didn't want to disturb the boy from his daze.

Jeremy spent his day at school ignoring teachers and bumping into students. Jeremy had never felt this way about a person before.   
From across the hall in which Jeremy walked down, a girl with shoulder length black hair gave him a smile. Jeremy lit up at the attention of another student. the average student at his school wouldn’t give Jeremy another glance, but this girl was different. In a way, she was glowing, she looked like she almost radiated joy, and her smile could light up an entire room, or at least light up Jeremy.

Before he knew it, the girl walked past him, accidentally brushing her arm against Jeremy's side, and then the girl was gone from Jeremy's sight as quick as she appeared. Jeremy whipped his head around to see if he could possibly catch up with her, but she had disappeared around a corner.

Nonetheless, Jeremy grinned to himself as he continued walking to his last class of the day. Maybe he could make another friend.

 

When Jeremy stepped off the bus after school that day, Sebastian was waiting there. Jeremy lit up when he noticed that he wouldn't have to walk home alone like usual. The bus pulled away almost as soon as Jeremy got off, and he eagerly walked toward Sebastian.

"Hi Sebastian,"

“Hello Jeremy,"   
The two began walking towards Jeremy's house, which was just a few streets away from the bus stop. Sebastian listened to Jeremy talk about how his day at school was.  
When Jeremy brought up the girl who had smiled at him the hall, Sebastian's face spelled out calm, but his eyes screamed anger. Jeremy was quick to notice this change.

"What's wrong? Do you know her?" Jeremy questioned, eyebrows furrowing as he glanced up at Sebastian.

"Yeah, um, her name is Christine," Sebastian said, clearly trying to hide the emotions from showing through again.

"We just have a bit of a past together, that's all," he explained through gritted teeth.

"Oh, she seemed pretty nice to me. Sorry,” Jeremy said nervously. A silence fell between the two before Sebastian interrupted the peace by slipping his hand into Jeremy's. His hand molded perfectly into Jeremy's. Jeremy looked down at their intertwined hands and fingers and grinned.  
He could feel butterflies in his stomach and anyone watching them at that moment was sure to spot the obvious heart eyes Jeremy had for Sebastian. Sebastian looked down at Jeremy and gave him a soft smile. He stopped in front of Jeremy's house and kissed his forehead before unraveling their fingers.

"I'll talk to you soon," he said before he started to walk away. Jeremy's eyes lingered on the back of Sebastian's head. His forehead tingled with excited electricity from where Sebastian placed his soft lips, and he could still practically feel his cold hand in his.   
He entered his house with a wide smile, dropping his stuff by the door. Jeremy's mother glanced up from where she was sitting and frowned in confusion at the rare sight of seeing Jeremy smile.   
Sebastian lingered on Jeremy’s mind for the rest of the day, and that night he dreamed of blue eyes and forehead kisses instead of bridges and pills.

 

The next day, Jeremy was just as excited to see Sebastian waiting for him as he was the day before. His. The boy gave Jeremy a smile when he got off, and as soon as the bus pulled away, Jeremy's hand began gravitating towards Sebastian's. They brushed together, but Sebastian made no move to connect them, making Jeremy's smile falter.

"How was your day?" Jeremy asked. Sebastian shrugged.

"C'mon," Jeremy said, nudging Sebastian a little, Sebastian's eyebrows furrow slightly, "Don't you go to school or anything?"   
Sebastian hesitated before answering. 

"I'm homeschooled," he answered quietly. Jeremy nodded, quickly realizing by the slight hostile edge in his voice that Sebastian was clearly not having a good day.

"How was your day?" Sebastian asked Jeremy instead, after a moment of silence. 

Jeremy then began to talk about his boring day, making it seem interesting to fill the awkward silence that'd take the conversation's place otherwise. As Jeremy talked, Sebastian nodded to show that he was listening to what Jeremy said. Sebastian then grabbed Jeremy's hand, causing the brown haired boy's smile to grow. Their hands swung back and forth as Jeremy and Sebastian began taking turns talking, the cloud of awkwardness over them slowly diminishing.   
The two were giggling over something Jeremy had said when they turned a corner, Jeremy's house only a few houses away now. 

However, across the street, a familiar black haired girl was walking in the opposite of them. Sebastian tensed up next to Jeremy upon the sight of Christine, but Jeremy's eyes immediately traveled to Christine. The same feelings of joy filled him as they had before, and he found himself blushing.  
Suddenly, his arm was being pulled by Sebastian, who dragged him in front of his house. Jeremy blinked a few times and looked around, but Christine was gone. He looked back at Sebastian who was frowning at him.

"Remember when I told you I had a past with her yesterday?" Sebastian asked, tightly gripping Jeremy's hand. 

"Yeah..." Jeremy said timidly. 

Sebastian's expression hardened. 

"Stay away from her," he said firmly, dropping Jeremy's hand.

"Why?" Jeremy said in shock, but Sebastian was already walking away.


	5. Upgrade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two confessions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: some pretty fucked up parenting is the only way I can describe it, tell me if i need to add anything else

That Saturday, his mom dropped Jeremy off outside his dad’s house as usual. The only difference was that when she sped away, Jeremy noticed a figure walking toward him. As they got closer, Jeremy quickly took in the all black attire and smirk on his face and figured out that it was none other than Sebastian. Jeremy turned and walked towards Sebastian, butterflies beginning to flutter around in his stomach.

"Would you like to go to the park?" Sebastian asked, making Jeremy's heart beat faster. 

“Of course,” Jeremy said without a moment of hesitation. He didn’t see his dad’s face in the window, didn’t even give the sad house a second glance.  
The two strolled to the park, hands brushing against each other as a blush coated Jeremy's cheeks and the tips of his ears turned red. Their hands finally linked together and Sebastian gave Jeremy's hand a comforting squeeze. Jeremy let out a small giggle and lightly squeezed back, and Sebastian smiled.

They played on the swing set like two idiots, Sebastian pushing Jeremy, Jeremy letting out strings of giggles. They climbed on top of the jungle gym and acted like little kids, and thankfully there were no actual little kids there in the drizzly weather.   
However, a familiar black haired girl sat on one of the park benches, and eventually Sebastian's eyes drifted over to her. Jeremy noticed the new hesitation in Sebastian's movements. Before Jeremy could see her, Sebastian gripped his arm and pulled him away. Jeremy was shocked at the sudden change in behavior, but shrugged it off and let Sebastian drag him off the jungle gym. 

"What's going on?" he decided to ask, but regretted when he heard the annoyance in in Sebastian's voice.

"Times up, your mom will be back at your dad’s to pick you up soon," he said. They walked back together, the tight grip on Jeremy's arm became a loose grip on his hand. Once they reached their destination, Sebastian dropped his hand and stomped back towards the direction of the park, leaving Jeremy curious as to why he was behaving this way.

However, every moment Jeremy spent with the black haired boy, the more he felt himself falling for him, and he wasn’t sure how to handle it.

Jeremy's skinny frame sat in the bathtub that night, the bath salts he used turning the water white. He stared into the steam that clouded the air, thinking about a certain boy. Jeremy had fallen for him, and he'd fallen hard, and he decided that wanted to tell him. The only problem was, he didn't know how. He didn't even know if Sebastian thought of him the same way, or if Sebastian even thought of him as a friend.   
Jeremy finally decided to get out of the bath when he discovered that he couldn't tell whether it was water or a layer of sweat covering his forehead. He shakily got up and wrapped a towel around his waist, his legs and face were flushed red and he felt dizzy from the heat of the bath water. He splashed some cold water on his face and stumbled to his room while the water drained. After he dried off, threw on a pair of boxers and a t shirt, Jeremy climbed into bed. Before he drifted to sleep, he made the decision to confess after the next day of school. 

On Monday, Jeremy was a bundle of anxiety. Even Michael noticed, giving him a strange look when he saw him in the halls. At the end of the day, he made his way through the hallways toward the front door to go board his bus, but he bumped into someone before he got there.

"Sorry! I wasn't paying attention," Jeremy said timidly.

"It's okay! I wasn't really paying attention either," the person said lightheartedly. Jeremy looked up after helping gather the person's stuff to see a familiar bright smile, unforgettable smile. Jeremy almost forgot about his plan to tell Sebastian. Almost. 

"What's your name? I've been seen you around a lot but never bothered to ask," she asked, her eyes bright.

"Um, I'm Jeremy. Listen I have to go my-" Jeremy said before being cut off by the smiling girl.

"I'm Christine! I moved here a few weeks ago and my mom told me I needed to make more friends, so here I am talking to you. I'm probably holding you up, aren't I?" Christine blabbered. There was something annoying about her seemingly constant state of happiness and infinite talking, but it was also endearing.

"Yeah, I gotta go or my bus will leave without me. Nice to meet you Christine, see you around," Jeremy said with a smile. He was told not to talk to Christine, but the girl's happiness was contagious, and Jeremy didn't see why Sebastian wouldn't want him to talk to someone like that. But Sebastian wanted the best for him, right? He wouldn’t lie? He shook the thought away and began to walk away from Christine, but stopped when he heard Christine say something else.

"Don't tell him," she said quietly, her voice sounded worried and scared. Jeremy felt his heart drop to his feet.

"Who, Sebastian? Don't tell him what?" Jeremy asked, furrowing his eyebrows. He turned to look at Christine, but she was gone. He turned back and shook his head and continued walking to the bus. While he sat in the bus and watching buildings and fields roll by, his thoughts lingered on Christine's words. Don't tell Sebastian that he was talking to Christine? Or did Christine somehow know about Jeremy's plan?   
Jeremy’s plan. Sebastian's captivating eyes and lovable smile filled Jeremy's mind again as the bus screeched to a halt at his stop. He smiled when he saw Sebastian waiting for him. Sebastian immediately offered his hand and Jeremy took it, grinning to himself. He began to talk about his day, and Sebastian said a few things about his own day and before they knew it, they were stopped in front of Jeremy's house. Jeremy gulped as Christine's words echoed in his brain, but he made the quick, rash decision to ignore them for now. He didn’t even know Christine, why should he trust her?

"Sebastian, there's something I need to tell you," Jeremy said softly, letting go of Sebastian's hand.   
Sebastian nodded and let out out a small smile, urging Jeremy to continue. Jeremy looked down at his shoes and shuffled them around on the pavement.

"So, um, I don't really know how to start this, sorry," Jeremy said shyly after stuttering a few times. 

"It's okay, keep going," Sebastian said, grabbing Jeremy's hand again as encouragement. Jeremy smiled at their hands and looked back up at Sebastian.

"So, ever since you saved me on the bridge, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you," Jeremy started, a slight blush appearing on his cheeks, "There's just something about you that draws me to you."   
It was Sebastian's turn to blush.

“Being with you and talking to you feels …amazing, and I haven’t felt this good in a long, long time. And I like you. A lot. Like more than friends," Jeremy stuttered and hesitated his way through his short speech. When he finished, Sebastian had a big smile plastered across his face. He leaned down and gently kissed Jeremy's cheek, leaving Jeremy to look up with him with hope filled eyes. 

"Jere, I feel the same way, I promise, but I have to get home right now. Let’s meet in the park tonight," Sebastian asked. 

"Okay, see you tonight," he watched Sebastian walk away while waving, and then walked inside his house. His mother was at the table staring out the window while drinking tea, but she quickly looked over at Jeremy and set down her cup when he walked into the room. 

"Jeremy, I need to talk to you," she said, a dangerous edge in her voice. Jeremy's eyes widened when he realized what she may have seen while looking out the window. He walked over and sat in front of her.

"Who were you talking to out there?" she asked.

"My friend Sebastian, we met a few weeks ago and-" Jeremy began to tell her about Sebastian, but she cut him off.

"Sebastian? Were you on the phone with him?" her voice only got louder and more desperate for information. Jeremy furrowed his eyebrows.

"Yes, and no, he was right next to me. Are you okay?" Jeremy said, concern lacing his voice. His mother stared into her tea and her hands gripped the mug so tightly that her knuckles turned white and Jeremy was afraid it'd shatter.

“Let me get this straight. You know someone named Sebastian for a few weeks, he’s been walking you home from school, and you were outside with him just now,” She said, not once looking up, a distant expression passed across her features. 

“Yes? I don’t understand what the problem is,” Jeremy said. His mother angered easily , and he knew he was pushing the limits. His blood ran cold when his mother snapped out of her daze to stare straight at him, eyes cold and sharp.   
He made eye contact with his mother like this for a moment before her mouth snapped into a bone-chilling smile. Her eyes changed to a strange combination of playful and sinister, still cold as ever. 

“It worked,” She said, voice just above a whisper, the astonishment in her words not matching the expression on her face. 

“Wha-“ Jeremy started, but shrunk in on himself when his mother slammed her hands on the table and pushed herself up, excitement creeping across her features to combine with the multitude of other emotions she depicted. She began to walk away, muttering to herself, then stopped in the doorway. 

“Too young, he might be too young. Why else did it disguise itself? What is it doing?” She said, just loud enough for Jeremy to hear.

“Mo-“ Jeremy tried to speak again, but was cut off.

“How much do you know about Sebastian?” She said his name like it was a foreign word. Jeremy wracked his brain for answers and was met with none. 

“I-I don’t know. Not much at all,” He said, voice beginning to shake purely from the tenseness of the situation. She turned around and rushed toward him, sitting back across from him and taking both his hands in hers. 

“I am going to tell you something that will be hard to handle, but you CANNOT under any circumstances tell anyone else,” she said, voice rising in volume. Jeremy gulped and nodded. 

“Say you won’t tell anyone,” she yelled, eyes wide and slamming her hand on the table. Jeremy jumped and felt his throat begin to burn with the urge to cry. 

“I won’t tell anyone,” Jeremy repeated. She searched his face for deception, but his response seemed to settle her. 

“Jeremy,” She said, softer this time, “Sebastian isn’t real.”

The world stopped. 

“W-What?!” he said, voice breaking. 

“There was no one there,” She said, eyes turning the softest Jeremy had seen them in years, “There has never been anyone there.”  
Jeremy felt frozen, an icy feeling spreading into his chest and into the hands that his mother held. 

“Wh- Of course he’s real, I’ve touched him before. He’s real,” He said, pulling his hands out of his mother’s and began sliding his chair backward. 

“Jeremy- “she began to speak again, but Jeremy cut her off with his rambling.

“We’ve been talking for weeks, just Saturday we were at the park together. He saved me! How is that not real?!” He exclaimed, panic lacing his voice, fingers gripping the roots of his hair and gently tugging. 

“Jeremy!” She yelled, grabbing his attention. His eyes snapped up to her.

“Jeremy, you have to tell me everything he has said and whatever he says next to me,” She said with a stern calmness. Jeremy felt even more anxiety course through him, if possible. 

“No,” He said shakily. 

“No?” She responded, the edge back in her voice.

“No! Why should I t-tell you anything! You’re lying to me. You’re a liar!” He said, standing abruptly. He could feel hot tears racing down his face, a sob building up. 

“It’s called a SQUIP,” She said in response, “It’s a supercomputer in your brain that takes the shape of a person. But he told you that he was Sebastian, so you have to tell me what else he’s been saying,” She responded.

“Liar!” Jeremy cried, the sob bubbling up with that one word, “You’re crazy!” he said. With that, he ran from his mother’s gaze and into the nearby bathroom, locking the door. He heard his mom’s footsteps approaching the door. If he wasn’t sobbing he would have heard her try to twist the knob, realize it was locked, and walk away.   
He collapsed on the sink and splashed cold water in his face, hoping the wake himself from whatever nightmare this was. He did not wake up, however, a voice sounded behind him.

 

“You’re wrong" a familiar, but this time cruel voice said. Jeremy's eyes widened and he glanced in the mirror, and there, behind him, was Sebastian, grinning evilly at Jeremy. 

“I’m definitely not real, only you can hear and see me, “he said, an unfamiliar lilt in his voice.

“W- What?” Jeremy said, freezing in his place. 

“Jeremy Heere, welcome to your super quantum unit intel processor. Your SQUIP,” He said, eyes beginning to glow a bright electric blue. A shock ran down Jeremy’s spine, causing him to collapse to the floor and cry out.

"Now that you have me figured out, Jeremy, let’s get to work," said the SQUIP.


	6. Be More Chill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The SQUIP gives Jeremy some advice. Jeremy decides he should probably follow it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: PHYSICAL CHILD ABUSE, ELECTROCUTION, IMPLIED EATING DISORDER, THE SQUIP BEING A DICK AND MENTALLY ABUSING JEREMY. These things are very big in this chapter and are key plot points, please do not read if you are sensitive to those themes, and stay safe.

Jeremy didn't get to sleep that night. The SQUIP had completely disappeared after Jeremy left the bathroom and hadn't appeared again all night, but that just left Jeremy even more terrified of when it would appear next. He still wasn't positive about its so-called fakeness or realness. Jeremy had been debating with himself about it all night, but as he lazily slipped on his outfit for the day in the morning, he decided that today he would end up figuring it out one way or another.

Since he didn't have to go to the bus for a few more hours, Jeremy decided to make himself a nice breakfast, just to start the day off well. The house was dark, and his mother was still asleep, so he tiptoed around as best as he could without tripping and flicked the light on when he got to the kitchen. He rubbed his eyes before walking to the fridge to search for eggs, bacon, something. Unfortunately, they were running low on food, but they did have milk so if there was cereal in the cabinet, Jeremy could always just have a bowl of cereal. He began walking to the cabinet and saw something move out of the corner of his eye at the kitchen table.   
He quickly turned towards the table, and there on top of the table was none other than the SQUIP. He felt all the air leave his lungs and he rubbed his eyes and blinked multiple times before realizing that the SQUIP wasn't going away. His bright blue eyes looked electric and glowing in contrast to the boring colors around him. 

"Hm," the SQUIP’s voice seemed to be coming from inside Jeremy's head instead of where it was sat. It jumped down from his spot and past the shaking Jeremy.

"You don't need to eat. You look terrible, come with me,” the SQUIP said.   
Jeremy unplanted himself from where he was standing and followed it to his room.  
He had regained his breath by the time he was in his room, and The SQUIP was in his closet sorting through his clothes. 

"Took you long enough, wear this," The SQUIP said, handing Jeremy a baggy sweatshirt. Jeremy frowned at it, knowing it'd be warm out. The SQUIP whirled around when he noticed Jeremy hadn't immediately put it on. Jeremy flinched and almost dropped the garment when an electric shock ran down his spine. 

"Put it on, now, or I will not hesitate to hurt you next time," it growled, his blue eyes sharp and cold as they stared into Jeremy. He turned away when Jeremy started putting on the sweatshirt. 

"You have to wear big things to hide yourself, no one wants to look at you and you should spare them the trouble, at least until we get you new clothes, or you could just work out," The SQUIP said like Jeremy should've known this already. 

"Now go, you're going to be late," it said, shoving Jeremy before disappearing entirely.

Jeremy spent the bus ride on edge, waiting for the SQUIP to appear, but he didn't have to wait long, because it appeared as soon as Jeremy got to his first class. The school day was spent with it behind him, whispering cruel things that caused shivers up Jeremy's spine, like telling him he was terrible, or that he deserved the worst. On the bus ride home, he was gone again, but he was waiting at Jeremy's bus stop, almost like things hadn't changed, but, of course, things had definitely changed. After a few minutes of walking silently, it spoke.

"Are you expecting me to hold your hand?" the SQUIP said with a smirk. Jeremy brushed off the comment like he had with the rest of his mean comments.

"How about kiss your cheek, you sure liked it when I did it yesterday," it said with a taunting laugh.

"Shut up," Jeremy said lowly. 

"Hey," the SQUIP growled, gripping Jeremy's shoulder and roughly pulling him back, electricity sending pinpricks down his neck, "Do not talk to me that way." Its voice got louder and more echolike in Jeremy's head, and it was almost terrifying.   
They continued walking like nothing had happened.

"Jeremy, you're pathetic. I wonder what your mother thinks, knowing I managed to fool you into thinking I was real," the SQUIP began, “I wonder what she’d think if she knew you managed to fall for me.”

"Then she'd know that you're stupid and gay. Honestly, even I feel sorry for her, no one should have to deal with someone as fucked up as you, no wonder she kept pumping pills into you. She was probably ready to stop dealing with you so I could take over," the SQUIP said casually, as if it was some sort of joke.   
Jeremy stopped and turned to it, dread sweeping its way through his body as the realization fully set in. His mother had known about the SQUIP the whole time. She must have. He felt sick when he noticed he was in front of his house, feeling nothing but betrayal. The dread was replaced with anger.

"Shut the fuck up," he said. He could see the smirk it had replace itself with a frown, everything about it seemed to darken as it stared at Jeremy straight in the eyes, and sent shocks throughout Jeremy’s entire body, sending the boy to the ground and leaving him to cry out in pain. It stood over Jeremy and started speaking in a low voice once the pain stopped. 

"If this is how you're planning on treating me, things are going to go so much worse for you. I am inside your head, you can't get rid of me until you finally die-“Its voice cut off when Jeremy entered the house to be faced with his mother. 

“Jeremy,” she said upon seeing him, standing up from where she was sitting, “You need to talk to me.”   
Jeremy didn’t spare her another glance as he walked toward his room. He heard her get up and follow him, and suddenly her tight grasp was around his wrist, whirling him around to face her. 

“Jeremiah, tell me what it’s been saying,” she said, anger flashing in her eyes.

“Don’t say a word,” the SQUIP whispered in his head. Jeremy agreed. He ripped his arm from his mother’s grasp and started to walk away again. She grabbed his shoulder this time, pulling him toward her. Pure anger found it’s place on her expression. 

“What. Is. It. Saying.” She said through gritted teeth. Jeremy stood his ground, not saying a word. Suddenly, he felt a sharp sting on his cheek as his head jerked to the side. He stumbled out of her grasp and looked back toward her and her raised hand. She looked surprised with herself, but the anger did not falter in her gaze. 

“Jere,” she said, voice uncharacteristically kind “I didn’t mean to.” Jeremy felt his eyes water, hand going to his cheek. The SQUIP was silent.   
“How did you know about it?” Jeremy said quietly, looking to the floor, his voice shaking. “How did you know it was the SQUIP and not something else?” His mother looked speechless. 

“Jere-“

“Mom, did you do this?” Jeremy said, making eye contact. 

“Do what exactly, Jeremiah?” 

“Give me the SQUIP,” Jeremy said, voice stronger. 

“I would never do anything to hurt you,” she said firmly, then quickly realized her mistake. Jeremy turned way from her and walked into his room, slamming the door and ignoring the sound of his lock clicking behind him, trapping him in for the night. 

 

\--- 

 

"Jeremy, where's your lunch?" Michael said, interrupting that comfortable silence the Jeremy had fell into. Jeremy hadn't asked Michael to sit with him, the dark- haired boy had just walked up to him and sat across from him. Jeremy ignored the question the first time Michael asked and just stared at the table, but Michael seemed like he was desperate to know.

"Forgot to bring one," Jeremy mumbled. He didn't forget, the SQUIP had convinced him not to eat.   
Michael nodded and his eyes seemed to turn soft when he looked at Jeremy. He glanced at his own lunch and tore his peanut butter and jelly sandwich in half, offering one half to Jeremy. 

"Don't you dare," the SQUIP said, appearing to sit right next to Michael. Jeremy felt the familiar pinprick of electricity on his wrists. 

"No thanks, I'm not hungry anyway," Jeremy said before leaning forward to rest his head in his hands.

“Jere, I’m worried about you, you’ve been-“ Michael started to say, but suddenly Jeremy couldn’t hear him. He glanced at the SQUIP, who sat smirking at him. 

“Walk away, he’s lying to you,” it said in complete seriousness, eyeing Michael suspiciously. When Jeremy didn’t immediately leave, a shock ran through his legs. He left without saying a word to Michael. 

\---

Michael wasn't stupid. He's known that there was something off about Jeremy since he saw him walking that night, but he could never figure it out. With Jeremy's constant frown and empty stare that he had lately, all signs pointed to depression, but now things were starting to seem a little different. Instead of just an empty stare, he sometimes looked scared. He barely talked anymore as well, weeks ago when Michael just thought he was just depressed he would still talk and make jokes. Now it felt like they were barely friends. When Jeremy stopped eating lunch a few days ago and could barely look at Michael in the eye, Michael decided that enough was enough, and that he needed to try and talk to him about it. he needed to do something to help him, before it'd be too late.

The next day, Michael plopped himself down next to Jeremy on the bus, not giving Jeremy much of a chance to protest. Not like he would, anyway. He just wearily glanced up at Michael, panic flashing across his face for a second. The two sat in silence for a moment before Michael turned to Jeremy and spoke.

"Miah, you've seemed really off lately, is everything okay?" Michael asked sincerely. Jeremy glanced into Michael's worried eyes and seemed to slump in his seat.   
"I'm fine," Jeremy grumbled, reaching for his bag and began digging through one of the pockets. 

"Are you sure? Because you don't really seem okay, you know you can always talk to me and-" Michael rambled before Jeremy stopped his digging to give Michael an angry glare.

"Michael, it's none of your business and it never will be your business. I'm fine! Now shut the fuck up or sit somewhere else," Jeremy said harshly as he pulled his phone and earbuds out of his bag, voice sounding cold and foreign. Michael quickly turned away and stared at the seat in front of him. Jeremy knew he hated being yelled at, this wasn't like him, which made Michael want to help him more. Jeremy then plugged his earbuds into his phone then shoved them in his ears. 

The weird part was, Jeremy didn’t turn on any music. Immediately, Michael assumed he was doing it so Michael would stop talking to him, but he changed his mind when he saw Jeremy staring straight forward, fists clenched in his laps. His lips moved ever so slightly, mouthing the ghost of what looked like a conversation with someone. 

Michael stopped staring when Jeremy suddenly flinched, then shot Michael another angry glare. 

Michael decided that this might not be a problem he can help with. 

After school, Michael decided to call Jeremy's mom about it. He knew from Jeremy’s rants that she wasn’t the best, and Michael certainly wasn’t a big fan of hers, but she lived with him, so she must have noticed that something was off.   
The phone rang a few times until she picked up.

"Hello? This is Samantha Heere" she said.

"Hi Ms. Heere, it's Michael, Jeremy’s friend," Michael said, nerves already acting up. He was never good with phone calls. 

"I know who you are, Michael. Did you need something? Is Jeremy not answering?" she answered and asked.

"Actually, I needed to talk to you about Jeremy," Michael said.

"What about him? “She said, her voice firm.

"Well he's been acting really strange lately. He's barely talked to me and has been acting very distant and unlike himself. I’m really worried about him," Michael explained.

There was silence on the other end before Ms. Heere spoke again.

"Has he told you anything?" she said, voice hinting at anger. 

"Huh? No? He was acting weird on the bus this morning. I tried to get him to talk to me about it but he just snapped at me,"   
Again, there was silence on the other line.

“Stay out of other people’s business, Mr. Mell,” She said, then he heard her hang up. Micahel stared at the phone in his hand. Ms. Heere definitely had something to do with this. Michael didn’t want to think of what she could’ve done, but the worst came to mind anyway. 

He decided that if he really wanted to get help for Jeremy, he’d have to talk to Mr. Heere.


	7. Michael in the Bathroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New information is learned and a big decision is made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, SUICIDE ATTEMPT
> 
> Stay safe.

Michael barely remembered where Mr. Heere lived. He remembered driving by his house with Jeremy in the car with Jeremy pointing out the house a few times, but that was his only recollection of the house. That’s why when Mr. Heere didn’t answer within the first 30 seconds of Michael knocking, Michael turned to leave, thinking it was the wrong house. That’s when he heard a throat clear behind him. He turned back around to be faced with Mr. Heere himself.   
Michael didn’t know what he was expecting. Someone more tough, life put together, a hard look in his eyes, the right look for Jeremy to be so afraid of him for all these years. He certainly didn’t expect the no pants wearing, stained bathrobe with a tank top, unkept beard, mess of a man he saw instead. 

“Yes?” He said, voice raspy like he hadn’t spoken to anyone in a few days. 

“H-hello sir, are you Mr. Heere?” Michael said, fidgeted under the eyes of the man that could be Jeremy’s father. 

“Yes, that’s me,” he said, straightening up, ‘Listen kid, I don’t want whatever you’re sell-“

“I’m friends with Jeremy!” Michael blurted out. He watched Mr. Heere’s face shift to one of sadness. 

“My son?” he whispered. Michael nodded. 

“I’m Michael, I’ve been his best friend since elementary school. I need to talk to you about him,” Michael said, suddenly more confident than he was moments before. Mr. Heere nodded solemnly and stepped aside for Michael to come inside.   
He expected the house to be messy, but it wasn’t. The few pieces of he had in the room looked barely touched. The only evidence that any one lived there was the creases in one of the couch cushions to show someone sits there. Mr. Heere sat in that spot, gesturing for Michael to sit in the chair next to the couch. 

Mr. Heere looked like he didn’t belong in his own home. 

“Is everything okay?” Mr. Heere said. Michael hesitated before answering. 

“No,” Michael said quietly, “He’s been acting… strange.”

“How so?” 

“He just…he hasn’t been eating from what I can see, he hasn’t been talking to me, or even looking at me, I’m just really worried, he’s never like thi-“ 

“Did you talk to his mother?” Mr. Heere said, leaving the words ‘why did you come to me?’ left unsaid. 

“I did, she told me to mind my own business, and she sounded angry. But I have to do something, so I’m here,” Michael said. Mr. Heere stiffened and his eyes widened ever so slightly. 

“You’re right, we have to do something,” Mr. Heere said seriously, a new worry in his eyes, “this could be more serious than you think.”

“Wha-“ Michael started. 

“I have to tell you something very important, that could be why he’s acting like this,” Mr. Heere said, and began talking. 

 

\---

 

Jeremy’s evening was spent locked in his room with no food, nothing to do, and the SQUIP whispering into his ear, lecturing him to stay away from everyone, especially Michael.   
By 9pm, it was still talking. 

“Jeremy, you could be so much better. You could be popular! Have so many more friends than just Michael! You would be wanted, for once in your life!” Jeremy ignored it, turning away from it from his spot in his bed. 

“Unfortunately for you, there’s no point. You will never be that person, you will never be wanted,” the SQUIP practically snarled, electricity pricking at Jeremy’s skin.

"I know," was all Jeremy said. He shut his eyes and pulled his blanket tighter around him, letting a single tear leak out of his eye. 

“You’re weak,” it said

“I know,” Jeremy said. He then flinched at the shock against his spine. 

"I already know all the things you're going to say against me, nothing you say will hurt me like you want it to," Jeremy said quietly. The SQUIP then appeared right in front of him, forcing his eyes to open and grabbing his shoulder. Powerful shocks rippled through Jeremy’s body from the hand on his shoulder. Jeremy whined at the pain, too tired to cry out. The SQUIP smiled evilly as it looked at it’s power. 

“Have you taken your pills?” It said. Jeremy had, too afraid to oppose his mother now. The pain spiked, causing Jeremy to cry out. 

“You idiot, you only made your situation worse!” It laughed as Jeremy begged for it to stop.

“Your pills only make me stronger,” It said, seemingly squeezing tighter on his shoulder. The grip almost felt real. 

“Please,” Jeremy said through cries. 

“You want it to stop? All of it?” Jeremy nodded through the pain. 

“You know what to do,” It said, and the pain stopped. 

“What?” Jeremy said, falling backward in exhaustion. 

“You can stop this. Stop me, stop your mother, you can stop all of it. It’ll just take a few bottles of pills,” It said darkly, smiling evilly down at Jeremy once more. The gears in his head began to turn. 

Jeremy found himself falling asleep not long after the SQUIP disappeared for the night. 

 

 

\---

 

Every Saturday before he went to his dad’s, Jeremy’s mother went out grocery shopping. This Saturday, Jeremy knew that would be his chance. This was the only point in the day when she was out of the house, as she didn't have work on the weekends. 

As for a note, Jeremy didn’t even think to write one at first. He ended up settling with tearing a page out of a school notebook and scrawling the words "I'm sorry" with shaky hands as the time for his mother to leave grew closer. In that time before, he stayed locked in his room, finally letting himself cry on his own after weeks of holding it in, and he pulled at his hair as his now small frame rocked back and forth. If the SQUIP was next to him, he'd be calling Jeremy weak and other names, all things that he already knew. But it wasn’t there, further signaling that following through with his plan was the right idea.

When the front door slammed shut, signaling that his mom had left, Jeremy didn't move at first. He first stopped his crying, he didn't want to spend his last moments crying, but he couldn't calm the tremble in his bones. He slowly peeled himself from his position on the floor, and grabbed his crumpled note, and picked the lock in the way he had taught himself to do overnight. He soon found himself in the bathroom.

A few tears strayed from his eyes as he leaned over the counter, breathing heavily.   
He placed the note next to him and opened his medicine cabinet. There was a lot of pills, including sleep meds and pain relievers, but Jeremy's eyes immediately traveled to the pills he was always told to take. He took them and emptied them into the toilet, flushing them down, and they were gone just like that. The SQUIP would no longer be able to increase his power.   
He grabbed some other bottles and placed them on the counter, choosing the ones he thought would do the most harm.  
He started by pouring a few in his hand, and then grabbing another bottle and pouring some of those in his hand and continuing until he had a lethal amount of pills collected his palm.   
He let out a shaky breath. This is it.

One by one, Jeremy swallowed a pill, knowing that he'd be gone within a few minutes. He saw the silhouette of the SQUIP next to him with a hand on his shoulder telling him it was for the best. When he was done, the effects didn't kick in right away. He lowered himself onto the ground, flattening the note down beside him.

It started with Jeremy simply feeling sick, making him question if it would work or not, but you can't just get away with a stomach full of pills that easily. He felt himself break into a sweat, and then the pain hit him hard. It flared through his abdomen and wrapped itself around his organs, curling through his fingertips. His head was spinning and all he saw was a blur of the SQUIP’s face looking down at him, seeming to get further away. He remembered moments from his life, like playing in the sandbox with Michael sitting next to him. They tried to build castles together, but Jeremy would accidentally knock them down. 

Jeremy couldn't tell where he was anymore, everything was red and white and black and he couldn't tell if he was moving or not. He couldn't feel his entire body. His chest got tight, he felt like he couldn't breathe anymore. The SQUIP was still looking at him, its entire body glowing blue. He felt his eyelids get heavy, and the overwhelming feeling to just drift off took over. He couldn't hear anything but his own rapid heartbeat and blood rushing and he stared at the SQUIP's face watching him above until it turned into Michael. Then everything went white, and it was too bright for Jeremy, so he closed his eyes and didn't open them. 

 

\---

 

Michael stood at the door to Jeremy’s house, knocking for the second time. He came there unannounced, determined to help Jeremy with the information he had gotten from Mr. Heere. He was thankful Jeremy’s mother didn’t seem to be home, as he didn’t feel like having to deal with her. 

When Jeremy didn’t answer, Michael tested the door knob, discovering it to be unlocked. He wandered into the house, already feeling guilty doing so. The house was silent .He then noticed that Jeremy’s door was wide open, and his heart dropped. He knew Jeremy’s mother kept Jeremy locked in his room when she wasn’t home. Michael walked over and peered in the doorway, but Jeremy wasn't in the room. Michael’s hands started shaking, his brain going to the worst case scenario. 

That was when he heard a thump from the bathroom. 

Michael whirled around and knocked on the door. Another thump was heard and Michael knocked again.

"Jere, are you in there?" Michael said loudly. 

“Micah-“ Jeremy said so quietly that Michael could barely make it out. 

"Jere, I'm coming in," Michael called out.   
When he tried to open the door, it stopped on something, making Michael's eyes flick down to the floor where Jeremy was laying, flailing his limbs, mouth foaming slightly, and most likely having a seizure. Panic consumed Michael’s thoughts and he was quickly by his friend's side. It took everything in him not to scream. He saw the scattered bottles of pills on the counter, some of them empty. Michael pulled his phone out from his pocket and called 911 and told the operator what had happened, tears streaming down his face. He threw his phone away from him as soon as the call was over.  
Luckily, Michael could remember the slightest bit of first aid, so he had a vague idea of what to do. He turned Jeremy on his side and checked his pulse after tilting his head back to open his airways. There was a faint pulse still there. After taking all of the precautions he had been told to do, he was left with nothing to do but wait. Michael wanted to cradle the boy into his chest, but he couldn't do that until Jeremy was in a better condition. So instead he took Jeremy's limp hand and stroked it with is thumb, whispering reassurances both for himself and for Jeremy, just in case Jeremy could possibly still hear Michael. 

 

He did that until sirens arrived outside the house, and didn’t even realize how hard he had been crying until he was escorted out of the house and a blanket was draped over him, as a paramedic pretended that “everything will be okay”.


	8. Voices in my Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy remembers everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took me so long to update. This chapter has to be one of the hardest I've ever written, I had to rewrite most of it.   
> TRIGGER WARNING: Verbal and physical abuse, a lot of stuff from the tags come into play in this chapter

“Jeremy, I have to ask you something important,” His mother said to him. She had just picked him up from Kindergarten, and they were in the car on the way home. Jeremy looked up from his DS that he was playing from the backseat. 

“You can’t tell your dad I’m asking you this, promise me you won’t,” She said, looking at him from the rear-view mirror. 

“I promise,” Jeremy said quietly. He never was a loud kid. 

“Okay good,” She said. 

“Have you… been having any weird dreams lately? Or hearing someone talk to you but no one else can hear it?” She asked. Jeremy shook his head. 

“No, Mama,” 

“How about feeling any shocks? Or have you seen anyone that no one else can?” She asked. Jeremy shook his head again. 

“Why are you asking me these questions?” He asked with big eyes. Mrs. Heere just shook her head and mumbled something to herself that Jeremy couldn’t hear. 

 

\----

 

Months later during the same year, He was laying in bed, waiting for his mom to tuck him in and kiss him goodnight. Normally his dad did it, but he was out of town for the weekend. Eventually, his mom walked in, but she was carrying a medicine bottle and a glass of water. 

“Jeremy, you will be taking medicine daily now,” She said, and dropped a pill into his hand. It was big and white. 

“Why?” Jeremy asked. 

“It’s going to help,” she said, then looked at him expectantly. Jeremy carefully placed the pill in his mouth and took the glass of water from his mother’s hand to wash it down. She stood there looking at him authoritatively. 

“Well?” 

“What?” Jeremy asked. 

“Is anything different?” she questioned. The young Jeremy paused to think. He felt exactly the same as he did before. 

“…no,” He said. His mom groaned in frustration and slammed her hand down on his bed next to him. Jeremy flinched at the movement. She took the water from him and stormed out of the room. 

Before slamming the door, she told Jeremy to tell her if anything changed. 

 

\----

 

Nine-year-old Jeremy pushed himself from the dirt ground using his feet and the swing squeaked as he began swinging back and forth. The sun beat down on him but there was a cool breeze to even it out. His feet could barely touch the ground, but he had decided that now was the time to learn to swing. When he got a steady rhythm of back and forth, Jeremy giggled happily. It matched the other kids' giggles around him.

"Look mommy! I did it!" Jeremy said, practically squealing in delight.   
His mother glanced up at him and frowned. 

“Get down from there, you’re too old for that now,” She snapped at him before returning to her phone call. Jeremy slowed his swinging and sat there, kicking at the loose dirt in sadness. 

_“Jeeeeeremy…”_  
Jeremy looked up in confusion at the hissing voice. It was quiet to the point where he didn’t think any of the other kids could hear it. 

_“Jeremy…”_ it repeated, slightly louder. 

“Who’s saying that?” Jeremy asked out loud. 

_“Shhhhh…”_ It said, voice sounding echoing and glitchy. 

“What?” Jeremy felt a weird feeling creep up his back, like chills, but different. 

_“Don’t tell her…”_

“Don’t tell her what?” Jeremy said, but then when he looked up he saw his mother marching toward him with a surprised look on her face. She grabbed his wrist and pulled him toward the car. When they got home, she sat him on the couch with a look on her face that made him want to sink into the couch. 

“Who were you talking to? On the swingset?” She said, and placed her hands on his shoulders, gripping him just hard enough for it to be uncomfortable. 

_“No one, tell her it was no one…she can’t know…”_ The voice came back. 

“No one,” He answered quietly, because the voice sounded a lot nicer than his mother’s in this moment. 

“Jeremiah Heere you better tell me the truth,” She said, a threatening tone in her voice. 

“It was no one, mommy,” Jeremy said. He was scared, he had never seen his mother act like this, never this angry. A look of pure anger crossed her face. She pulled him forward aggressively. 

“Never lie to me,” she said in a low voice. She then let him go and walked out of his room. Moments later, he heard the lock click. He desperately ran up to his door and jiggled the doorknob, but it refused to twist. The lock on Jeremy’s side didn’t work anymore either. 

“You won’t be let out until you’re ready to tell the truth,” She said sternly. He stayed locked in his room until the next morning, when she reluctantly let him out upon realizing that the boy refused to talk. 

But from then on, Jeremy was locked in his room every night. 

 

\---- 

 

He was in Michaels house, around 12 years old, sitting across from the boy. They had been close friends for 3 years now.

The black-haired boy was holding a ukulele and strumming a pattern. Michael was quietly singing to the tune he strummed, too shy to sing any louder. So, Jeremy sang along, slightly louder than Michael, coaxing Michael to join him. Michael looked up in surprise before smiling widely and singing a bit louder with Jeremy. Before either of them knew it, they were both yelling the lyrics while laughing and smiling. Jeremy paused for a moment to catch his breath, but Michael kept going, and Jeremy realized just how beautiful his voice was , even while he was yelling. Jeremy joined back in again, but while Michael’s eyes were squeezed shut in laughter and joy, Jeremy was looking at him in wonder. 

In that moment, Jeremy decided that Michael was brighter than the sun itself. 

 

\----

 

A week later, his dad found the pills he still had to take and asked him about what they were for. When Jeremy responded with an “I don’t know, mom said they would make me better” and a “I thought you knew about them” Jeremy’s dad stormed out of the room. Moments later, the screaming match between his parents begun. Jeremy climbed under his covers, like that would block out the sound. It didn’t take him long to get up and get headphones and his ipod. 

The last thing he heard before he pressed play was his dad screaming, “HOW COULD YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO A LITTLE KID?!” then being cut off with the sound of a slap from Jeremy’s mother. Jeremy felt tears run down his face as his ears filled with music. 

_“Stay with her,”_ he heard the voice whisper, and then his dad burst into room. Jeremy took out an earbud and wiped his face. 

“Jeremy, c’mon, we’re leaving,”

_”Stay, stay, stay…”_ It kept repeating as his dad grabbed his hand and pulled him out of his bed. His mother then appeared in the doorway behind him. 

“Jeremy, don’t let him make you do anything,” she said. The voice got louder in the back of his head, begging him to stay. 

“Jere, let’s go,” His dad said, eyes pleading from him to listen. 

_“If you go with him, you’ll be taken away from Michael, you’ll never see him again,”_ It whispered, and Jeremy instantly made up his mind. 

“I’m staying,” Jeremy said, shakily. He couldn’t be without Michael. 

“Jeremy…” his dad said, and Jeremy pretended like he couldn’t see his eyes watering. 

“You heard him, now get out of my house before I call the police,” His mother said to his dad. Jeremy turned and crawled back in his bed as his parents walked out of his room. He put his earbuds back in and tuned out the world again.

 

\----

 

When Jeremy opened his eyes, he was on the swing set from in childhood. He was surrounded by a patch of grass, that dropped off into nothingness 5 feet in front of him. Stars shimmered around him, breaking through the dark enough for him to notice the figure next to him on the other swing.

"This wasn't how things were supposed to be," the person said. They turned to look at Jeremy, and Jeremy blinked in surprise at the image of Christine sitting next to him. 

“I’m sorry this happened,” She said, looking at him with a deep sadness. 

“Why are you here?” Jeremy said, surprisingly without any trace of stutter or tremor.   
Her face fell even further, if that was even possible. 

“Jeremy, there are things you don’t remember…things that no one ever told you about. I think I’ve restored most of the memories it made you forget,” She said.

“What?” Jeremy said, obviously confused. 

“Before you were born, your parents worked together, in fact, that’s how they met,”

“What does this have to do with anything?” Jeremy interrupted. Christine gave him a stern look before continuing. 

“They worked in this lab that created new technology that could be used for assisting humans. Your mother and father were working with a team of people to create this,” She said, then extended her hand to drop a gray pill in his hand. Jeremy looked at the pill, then up at Christine in confusion. 

“That,” she said, “is the SQUIP.” Jeremy almost dropped to the pill. 

“My parents created the SQUIP?” he asked. Christine nodded. 

“Eventually, they were able to create a functioning prototype of it after years of brainstorming and programming. The only issue was that once the prototype was created, they had no way to know if it worked than to give it to a person and record the results,”

“Like human experimentation?” 

“Yes,”

“Christine, how do you know all of this?” Jeremy asked. 

“Let me finish and you’ll find out,” She said. Jeremy stayed quiet. 

“No one could find anyone that would consent to taking it, because everyone knew the risks to taking it. However, your mother was desperate to test it, because the entire concept of the SQUIP was her idea, so she took matters into her own hands,” Christine paused, and her form flickered slightly. 

“Jeremy, you were 7 years old when your mother made you take the SQUIP,”

A memory then clouded Jeremy’s vision. It showed his mother walking into his room when his father wasn’t home with a bottle of Mountain Dew and three gray pills rattling around in a tic tac container. She told him that he had to take it “or else” and because Jeremy was a little kid, he listened. A searing pain crossed through his brain and stretched down his back, reaching down his whole body and intensifying as it went. The young Jeremy passed out, and when he woke again, he was tucked into bed with his mother next to him, telling him not to tell anyone what had happened. 

He blinked, and he was next to Christine again. 

“When she didn’t notice the immediate results that it should’ve had, she made pills for you to take to make it stronger. But the technology of your SQUIP was already faulty, so she was only making the bad technology stronger,” Jeremy felt frozen. 

“Christine,” He said, voice thick with emotion, “who are you really?”  
Christine gave him a sad smile. 

“The SQUIP was meant to be one whole entity that assisted humans in their daily life to complete goals, it was meant to help. But, yours split apart into two different programs, it was never supposed to do that,” She gulped.

“One half of the SQUIP was more stern and forceful, and more aggressive, because that was in the original programming. The other half was gentler and caring, focusing more on wellbeing than forcing you to complete tasks. Together, they were supposed to balance out perfectly, but when yours split, the strengthening pills began to only work on the stronger half,” She continued. 

“That half became stronger and stronger, becoming more like a virus, or malware than an assistant. It started wiping specific memories away and replacing them, whispering horrible things to you before it had a physical form, and started gaining a mind of it’s own. It tricked you so it could take over your body,” Christine said, sounding upset. Jeremy’s mind was racing with all the new information. 

“What happened to the other half?” Jeremy asked, sounding more scared than he would have liked to. 

“Jeremy, I’m the other half,” She said softly. Jeremy instantly jumped up from the swing. 

“You- you’re my SQUIP?” He yelled in surprise. Christine nodded. 

Jeremy was instantly overcome by flashing memories from the past week. He could feel electricity move down his back.

“The only reason I’ve been able to talk to you for this long is because of your weak state, and the other half is busy fighting for control over you,” She said. It said. 

Jeremy could hear the other SQUIP whispering to him. 

it said. 

"You need to hold on, Jeremy. You need to hold onto your life," Christine said seriously, "Everything around us in here is your head, but out there you're in the hospital dying," Jeremy continued hearing the whispering, and he felt the ground under him crumble.

"Jeremy!" Christine called out.

The whispers got louder and louder. The ground fell out from under him, and he would’ve fallen if his hand hadn’t gripped one of the edges. 

"Don't let it get you, don't leave!" Christine said to him and held out her hand, "It'll be okay, I'm here for you, everything will fall back into place eventually, just trust me!" 

Jeremy felt his grip slipping and he knew he had to decide. His head felt like it was burning from the whispers speaking to him, but when he grabbed Christine's hand, they stopped, everything freezing in place in the moment. A blinding white light spread throughout the area from where Jeremy’s and Christine's hands touched, and then they were gone.

**Author's Note:**

> the original: https://www.wattpad.com/story/61641961-pills-malum


End file.
